DP: Shamed Child

Very young and ashamed, certain of only one thing:  you are undeserving.  Set apart, you don’t belong to that great, ordered world.  Your childhood is encamped in a carefully constructed jungle of crap. You learn to hide.ht_hoarder_home_08_jef_150415_4x3_992

You are not as important as the things that occupy your space.  You are not tended to, bathed and primped.  Your bed is piled, disheveled and your sheets not clean.  You are ashamed of your home, yourself, and sometimes your family.  You often read pity or disdain in the adult faces that assess you. And you watch your mom try so hard for their approval, knowing that she doesn’t receive what she so badly wants and needs. And they become “them”.

Neighborhood kids giggle and weave in and out of houses with open doors.  But not your house.   And not you.  Guests are not invited in.  Your home is different and you know it.  Everybody knows it.  You crouch beneath the window to avoid detection when visitors come calling.  Church ladies and lodge ladies with their prying eyes and casserole dishes hoping to catch a glimpse of just ‘what is really going on in there?’ Sometimes you crack open the door.  They ask, “Are you moving? Are you cleaning and sorting?”  You are a child and you tell the truth.  “No.”

It follows you.   You are grown now and can still suffocate under a thick, overwhelming blanket of shame.  You cast it off and come up for air yet somehow, when your guard is down, it settles in again.

(photo link)

via Daily Prompt – Overwhelming

7 thoughts on “DP: Shamed Child

    • E., This post springs from an assignment. I was asked to identify what I call “The Blob”. That elusive “it” that I have always rebelled against and couldn’t really picture. I surprised myself while writing as these emotions kind of gave shape to “The Blob”. It was exhilarating, freeing. Thanks for reading my post, E. Many years ago we shared intimately our struggles and I appreciate that you replied. I’m happier having written about this! I’m so glad that I summoned up the nerve to have a blog if for no other reason than it will steer me to try. Just try. That’s pretty cool, right? 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s