My last post on this topic was March 1, 2017 – just 1 week before surgery (March 8, 2017). I write today just to touch base. To give myself a marker.
I am very pleased with my progress. Sure, the numbers on the scale are fun but they are just little validations.
I was still a human being when those numbers grew and grew over the years, and I will be that same human being as they diminish. My value won’t change.
One of the greatest heartaches of being obese for a lifetime is the mental anguish. Oh, I can talk for a good bit about the physical anguish. It has been very real and very debilitating. But it’s the mental anguish that I am working to expel, not just for myself but also for others. The guilt. The blame. The limited thinking that defies belief that anything can ever improve. There is a girdle, so to speak, that keeps one bound in repeated behaviors and thought patterns. A restraint that is difficult to break.
I am chipping away. This surgery has given me the understanding of “full”. This was never really apparent to me before. I’m not alone. I used to chase the elusive “full” and wonder why it escaped me. How do “normal” people know when to stop eating?
Now, I don’t have a choice. I am living with a stomach that quickly lets you know that it is not wise to take another bite.
What the heck? This is a complete mind blower. So I am learning to choose food wisely. I am not eating to a mental state of satisfaction. There is a gap between full and satisfied. I am accepting that gap. Yes, it feels strange.
The challenge these days is to turn from expecting my meals to “satisfy”. I mean, satisfy what exactly? Beyond a feeling of physical fullness, what else is it that I am expecting food to do for me? That is the most important question.
90% of the time I am adapting very well. 10% of the time I am momentarily caught in a sense of urgency to “chase the dragon” so to speak. The good news is that I am able to quickly dispel the urge. I can smile about that.
These are good things. I do not sit in judgment of others and what they eat, why they eat, and what diets they do or do not go on. My “plate is full” of challenges and changes. It keeps me busy.
Anyone who has walked with obesity is a brother or sister in many respects. We should be kind and encouraging, as this condition never truly goes away. Weight loss be damned, a return to our former behaviors will get us the same results. It will be the smallest, daily decisions that will determine whether I lose, maintain, or gain. This truth alone must be my mantra.
There will come a day when I stop losing. I may not want to accept that “number” on the scale. But I must reconcile my mind to accept what my body has to offer. After all, I have always been more than a number!